PRIDE GUIDE 2003 GAY. PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

Sometimes, we find our own in surprising places

by Heidi Vanderheiden

"Would you sleep with a woman for a million dollars?"

This is what they asked me as I walked into the conversation during a semiprofessional Dow Jones Newspaper Fund retreat. They looked at me from all corners of the

room.

"You don't have to answer," David said quickly, in a protective manner. He knew I was bisexual, as did a few of the others in the room. He knew I might not want to out myself. "Yes," I said. "I would."

But I was wondering if I should give a curt answer, "It would take a lot less than that," or if I should have just said I had already, or that I was bi. But I generally hesitate to come out to those I work with professionally. It just didn't seem like quite the right time. I don't like to force these issues. And there was a fundamentalist-type person in the room.

"That's cool," said Brandon comfortingly, as if it was a problem for me to answer honestly.

Perhaps I seemed insecure because I wasn't sure how much more to say. That was how I knew for sure there were no other queers on the retreat. Or so I thought. I had been worried from the start about this retreat, and if I should come out. I assumed everyone would be straight, but who knows?

But I had been scared of actually spending two full weeks around 13 mainstream young people. I figured I would get horribly homesick and be crying every night. It's been a while since I've been so out of my element.

Part of the reason I love Boston so much is that I have a community of bisexuals to spend much of my free time with. It turned out all right, though. I became fast friends with most of the others quickly, and missed them terribly when I left. Nevertheless, I wasn't sorry to

return to my friends in the bi community.

A couple of weeks after the residency was over, when I was corresponding by e-mail with another friend, I put my "sig" at the end of my e-mail. It's a little symbol at the bottom that says "Bi" in a little triangle. I did so with some trepidation, as I'm never quite sure how straight people will react. She might not even notice it, I told myself; I often ignore signatures.

She replied to the message without comment on my little triangle, and I wrote her back with no further ado. She didn't reply for a few weeks, and I wondered if she might have finally seen the word "bi" in the bottom left corner and become uncomfortable. But then she called. She was going to be in town. I was pleased. We got together, and I mentioned being bi in the course of the conversation.

A couple of hours later, she said, "That was cool that you said you were bi." I thought she was then going to say it was nice that I was comfortable enough with myself to be able to admit that in front of others--a typical reaction that always makes me feel slightly patronized.

"I'm living with a woman," she said. She had always been straight, but had fallen in love with this other woman a couple of years ago while working with her in a stereo store. She wasn't out to anyone else from the retreat, and almost none of her school or work friends knew. She was still attracted to men, but was in a long-term monogamous relationship with a woman she loved deeply. She missed her woman terribly, as my friend was now on a summer internship four states away from her lover.

Now that was a shock-I wasn't the only bi at the retreat. I guess you just never know.

Heidi Vanderheiden is a freelance writer living in Ewa Beach, Hawaii.

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